The Glorious Curse of Self-Awareness

Or "Why we ought to know we're naked"

Rust Cohle and Marty Hart

Dave again from the Afterglow, sharing my thoughts after a re-watch.

In episode 1 of True Detective, Marty Hart tries to get to know his new partner Rust Cohle after they investigate a murder scene. Marty asks Rust what he believes in. Rust is evasive at first but Marty persists. Seemingly irritated, Rust drops a disturbing monologue that makes Marty sorry he started the conversation:

“I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in human evolution. We became too self aware; nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law. We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, a secretion of sensory experience and feeling, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody’s nobody.”

I’m not impressed by Rust’s corrosive pessimism, nor do I accept the incoherent assertion that nature created an aspect of itself that is also somehow “separate from itself”. However, I find him to be an honest and insightful character. Rust is on to something when he highlights the problem of self-awareness, an experience that our society doesn’t have a very good grasp on.

The burden of self-awareness is a common theme in Western art and culture. It shows up in our foundational myths and stories. Adam and Eve betray God and feel the pain of self-awareness when realize they are naked. Oedipus blinds himself when he learns of his own patricide and incest. Peter weeps when he realizes Christ was right about his repeated denial and betrayal. The connection between self-awareness and suffering is also evident in the moral seriousness of the Middle Ages and the maudlin sensibilities of 19th century Romanticism. It still persists in the existentialist and pessimist philosophies of the modern era.

However, one can also find positive portrayals of self-awareness in the annals of Western culture. Socrates declares that “the unexamined life is not worth living”. Stoics such as Marcus Aurelius and Epictetus extol self-knowledge as essential for living well. Luminaries of the Renaissance and Enlightenment promoted self-awareness as a mechanism for personal and spiritual development. Shakespeare’s plays often feature characters striving to understand themselves, and some of his famous lines suggest that self-knowledge is crucial for wisdom and integrity.

“The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself a fool.”- As You Like It

“This above all: to thine own self be true”- Hamlet

The positive aspects of self-awareness are taken for granted in the therapy culture that dominates our contemporary imagination. Increased self-awareness is one of the most commonly cited benefits of counseling, and psychotherapy engagement has significantly increased in recent decades.

However, certain elements of our society implicitly reveal the destructive side of self-monitoring. Excess self-awareness is a common feature among a variety of mental health problems. It’s not surprising that social media, a cesspool of self-conscious communication, has contributed to an epidemic of adolescent depression and anxiety (see Jonathan Haidt’s Anxious Generation).

It seems our judgment of self-awareness may change depending on historical, cultural, and individual factors. Perhaps we can develop a more nuanced understanding of this defining human experience by considering it’s function.

Self-Awareness and Self-Control

I am reading a book called Willpower by the psychologist Roy Baumeister and the journalist John Tierney. In Chapter 5, they discuss the relationship between self-awareness and self-control, suggesting that the former evolved to serve the latter.

The authors start by discussing the disquieting nature of self-awareness and draw on evolutionary theory to speculate about the purpose it serves. They cite a number of studies suggesting that self-awareness is associated with higher levels of self-regulation and a decreased propensity to engage in dishonorable behavior. For example, trick-or-treaters who are made to look in a mirror before taking candy from a bowl are more likely to comply with a sign requesting that they only “take one”. Other studies indicate that higher levels of self-awareness are associated with decreased aggression toward strangers, resistance to negative peer pressure, and reduced alcohol consumption.

They also discuss how deliberate self-awareness increases consistency and discipline in creative pursuits. Anthony Trollope, a prolific 19th century novelist who also held a full time job, gave himself the goal of writing 2,500 words a day. One method he used to achieve this goal was tracking his writing progress in a daily diary.

Trollope

I found this bit of the chapter inspiring. The image of postal worker rising at 5 am, preparing coffee, and setting himself in front of a typewriter every day for decades conjures up feelings of wonder and admiration.

But then Tierney and Baumeister immediately make my heart sink. They pull me out of my blissful state of romantic contemplation and drag me down into the petty world of self-optimization through personal data mining. They describe some of the state-of-the-art tools people were using at the time to track their use of time, spending, mood, and vital signs for the puproses of self-enhancement. The one that really got to me was Moodscope, an app that could automatically email friends and family to elicit support when your mood starts to dip. (I hope this app doesn’t exist anymore…. Shit, it does. Just googled it).

There’s something so pathetically passive and emotionally manipulative about using an app to pressure friends to call or text you when you’re down. I understand the benefits of social support when one is depressed. But outsourcing your fortitude and leveraging others to take responsibility for your mood is not a recipe for mental health or supportive realtionships. Maybe Moodscope should help users expand their self-awareness to recognize the emotional burden that the app puts on others.

Willpower was published in 2011, just when the tyranny of efficient self-improvement was germinating. I have to give them credit for accurately predicting the future of individual self-awareness, but I am left cold by their veneration of technology in the service of vanity and solipsism. I am especially disappointed by their casual dismissal of the potentially dehumanizing effects of such technology.

Exhibit A

But now that computers are getting smarter, now that more and more of them are watching us, they’re not becoming self-aware (at least not yet) and they’re not seizing power from us. Instead, they’re enhancing our powers by making us more self-aware.- Willpower, p. 110

Tell that to the people whose jobs are quickly becoming obsolete. Tell it to the legions of young people who won’t be able think for themselves because ChatGPT thinks for them.

Exhibit B

This sort of tracking sounds Orwellian to some people, but it’s part of one of the fastest-growing industries in Silicon Valley.- p. 116

Oh, well as long as it’s making money for Silicon Valley… all good then I guess.

It may seem strange that I think Trollope is romantic and inspiring, but I cringe when I read about the “Quantified Self” (gross). They are both leveraging self-awareness to bolster their self-control, are they not? What if I’m just being a curmudgeon?

I’m not down on self-monitoring apps because I’m nostalgic or a reactionary. For me, the difference lies in nobility of purpose.

Trollope leveraged himself for art. The data miners described in Willpower leverage themselves for… themselves. Their ultimate goal is self-creation, and it smacks of unholy pride. Trollope, on the other hand, was engaged in generative storytelling. His books were not just for himself. This is evident in the fact that readers are still delighted, informed, and stimulated by his work. His application of self-awareness seemed to possess at least a modicum of magnanimity. I can’t speak to Trollope’s personal motivations, but that is my impression from of what I learned of his behavior.

Self-awareness can be applied to increase self-control, but perhaps we should first ask ourselves, “To what end?”.

Self-Awareness and Authenticity

There is a facile notion that the purpose of self-awareness is to assist individuals in living authentically. If you know yourself and live in accord with your desires, you will supposedly be fulfilled or something. This the therapeutic understanding of self-awareness. Isn’t this what Pelonius was talking about in Hamlet? “This above all: to thine own self be true.” Sounds nice, doesn’t it? Know yourself and be true to yourself.

Funny thing about authenticity though; it’s only valuable in proportion to the quality of one’s character. Being true to yourself is no inherent virtue, especially if you think your life is about you.

In 2021, I listened to Joseph Pearce’s interview on a podcast called Uncommon Sense. Pearce described his early education at what he proudly proclaimed to be the “worst school in England”. (Apparently Pearce wasn’t blowing smoke. There is data to back his claim.) The school’s motto was… you guessed it: “This above all: to thine own self be true.”

Pearce said that he took this quote as his “personal motto” and “became a moral relativist”, because “as long as you have your own truth and you’re true to it, nothing else really matters”. This above all… right?

Well, no. Pearce continued.

It took me years to realize that Shakespeare never actually said that. You know? Shakespeare wrote that, but he wrote it to be put into the mouth of Pelonius in Hamlet, who is a blithering idiot and a villain… To say that is Shakespeare’s position, when he puts it in the mouth of someone who by following that philosophy gets himself killed, is absurd. And it shows the absurdity of my school’s understanding of both philosophy and Shakespeare, that they should have adopted that as their motto.

Authenticity is one of the Cardinal virtues of our secular age. We casually assume that being true to oneself is an unmitigated good, even while evidence to the contrary is overwhelming. Authenticity is a second order virtue that only makes sense in reference to goods that are higher than the self. Without a transcendent ideal, authenticity is indistinguishable from self-centeredness. Self-awareness can not exist for the purpose of supporting authenticity, because authenticity is not inherently good. It is not the proper end of anything.

The Real Purpose of Self-Awareness

Rust Cohle says we became too self-aware, but he may have done better to say we have become too self-focused. Many of us go through life as navel gazers and gluttons. We trap ourselves in egotism and make gratification our highest end. We treat other people as pawns in our dramatized pursuit of pleasure. Such behavior betrays a fundamental misconception of who we are and what we are supposed to do. We are not atomized individuals who were dropped into existence to serve our own ends. We are part of a cosmic whole created to glorify the love that made us all. Even the arch-pessimist, Rust Cohle, comes to realize this after a close call with death.

At the end of Season 1, Rust and Marty catch a killer and both are seriously injured in the process. Rust is in a coma and later describes his experience to Marty.

There was a moment, I know, when I was under in the dark, that something… whatever I’d been reduced to, not even consciousness, just a vague awareness in the dark. I could feel my definitions fading. And beneath that darkness there was another kind—it was deeper—warm, like a substance. I could feel man, I knew, I knew my daughter waited for me, there. So clear. I could feel her. I could feel … I could feel the peace of my Pop, too. It was like I was part of everything that I have ever loved, and we were all, the three of us, just fading out. And all I had to do was let go, man. And I did. I said, ‘Darkness, yeah.’ and I disappeared. But I could still feel her love there. Even more than before. Nothing. Nothing but that love. And then I woke up.

We are all a part of the love that Rust describes. The love that always was and always will be. In that sense, Rust was almost right to say earlier that we “labor under the illusion of having a self”. We are not “selves” in the way that many of us believe ourselves to be, as contained arbiters of our own being. Instead, we exist in the context of an integrated whole. You might say we are like branches on a vine or parts of a body. (Where have you heard that before?) Therefore, if self-awareness has any purpose, it is to serve the Love that created it. The pain of consciousness is not that different from the pangs of conscience. Both are signs that we are on the wrong track and need to return to the Whole for which we were made. Self-awareness is a curse in that it assaults our prideful pretenses. But it is also a glorious gift.

“God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pain: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”- C.S. Lewis